i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Randomize
