I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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