You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
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