the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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