wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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