my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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