After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
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