so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
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