U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
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