know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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