i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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