That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
