I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Randomize
