don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
