my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Randomize
