Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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