Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Randomize
