I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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