I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
