Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
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