420 ftw
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Randomize
