proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
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