i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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