I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
