Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Randomize
