I think my fart just growled at me.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
