Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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