I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
All I want is dick and wine.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Randomize
