You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
