At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
Randomize
