All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
