dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Randomize
