Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Randomize
