need another drink. this is the easiest way
the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Randomize
