I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Randomize
