i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
I fill condoms, not promises.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
Randomize
