bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
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He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
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No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".