Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
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