life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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