1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
