Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
