if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Randomize
