Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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