do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
