we have pet lesbian snakes
I only kidnapped one of them. chill
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
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