Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
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