dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
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