I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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