The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
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