hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
