he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
