All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
