So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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