My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
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